heaven forbid...

it is late, very late. i once again cant sleep. its because i drank hot tea to soothe my aching fuzzy throat, but unfortunately hot tea has caffeine and it apparently has no intention of wearing off. but thats lucky for yall, since i only seem to post when i have insomnia. or maybe not so lucky. i havent decided yet.

im feeling very artsy. i havent had much sleep and i feel like my brain is stuffed up with infection (even though technically i dont know that i have one.) oh, but ive also had a ton of sleep. fifteen hours or so. just now i cant, and its late. very late. im listening to the fray, and they make me feel more...um...whats the word? not artsy, although that. out of it i guess. other worldish. insomnia does that, and the fray does that, and thinking a lot does that.

i am considering taking summer classes. crazy, right? i just dont want to be in school forever. i want a degree um NOW. and i havent even technically gotten my high school diploma yet. ouch.

anyway i dont know if i need an art class for my degree, but if i do i might take one this summer. i am working on a self portrait. if not that then maybe a science or psychology. we will see.

ive been thinking about friendship and the oedipus complex. i think we are only friends with people who remind us of our family. personality wise, that is. character wise we seem to befriend all sorts of people, foolishly, mercifully, selfishly, lovingly. who knows? and then of course theres that phenomenon where you end up marrying someone who is kind of like your father or mother. i guess thats just the extended version of only befriending people who remind you of your family. although that only works if youre an only child. which im not, at all. anyway, im crazy. i need sleep. and i have to notice that Christ didnt befriend people who reminded Him of His family. He befriended sinners, the furthest thing from His family possible. but then He saved us and made us His family. maybe the thing is that we only know how to relate to other people through ourselves and our families.

maybe i am ready to sleep now. i dont know, but its late, very late, and i gotta try it.






"step one, you say, we need to talk.
he walks,
you say, sit down, it's just a talk.
he smiles politely back at you,
you stare politely right on through.
some sort of window to your right
as he goes left and you stay right.
between the lines
of fear and blame
you begin to wonder why you came."


(somewhere along in the bitterness, and i cant sleep. heaven forbid. get this fray out of my head.)